


Bizzare (Love) Triangle

by AliceInKinkland



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Episode: s02e03 Dance Dance Resolution, F/F, F/M, Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 14:08:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12367362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceInKinkland/pseuds/AliceInKinkland
Summary: Five threesomes that almost were, and one that almost wasn’t.





	Bizzare (Love) Triangle

**Author's Note:**

> This season doesn't seem to be going in an Eleanor/Chidi/Tahani love triangle direction, but that's what those other 800+ reboots are for, right?

**1: Attempt # 104**

“Why is it so hard for you not to say mean things all the time?” says Chidi, throwing up his hands.

Eleanor frowns. “Oh, so this is _my_ fault?”

“That there’s a hot clam chowder river running down the main street and trapping us on a traffic island _minutes_ after you insulted the owner of the chowder restaurant?” says Chidi. “Yes, I think this is your fault.”

“The woman with the limp?” says Tahani. “Good for you, I can’t stand her. One time she told me she liked my dress even though ‘red wasn’t usually my colour.’”

“‘Good for you?’” repeats Chidi. “ _‘Good for you?’_ ”

Eleanor crosses her arms. “Maybe this will teach you not to drag me to a restaurant that serves vomit-flavoured fish water.”

“I didn’t drag you to the chowder restaurant!” says Chidi. “You pulled me inside because you saw Tahani and you wanted to avoid her.”

“Avoid me?” screams Tahani. The chowder river has reached the hem of her maxi dress. “What makes you think I wasn’t planning on avoiding you first, hmm?”

“Are we doing the belligerent sexual tension thing here?” says Eleanor. “Because this is exactly the kind of situation that might possibly be improved with hate sex.” Eleanor peers at Chidi and Tahani’s faces. “No? OK. Second question: can everyone just check one more time to see if they brought anything to drink?”

* * *

**2: Attempt #218**

“OK, how about Chidi?” says Eleanor, taking another sip of her third makeup-sex-brunch-in-bed mimosa of the morning.

“For what?” says Tahani.

“For hypothetical threesomes, for when we need to spice the whole soulmate thing up in a thousand years or so,” says Eleanor. “Unless you’re completely opposed to threesomes? Did you have a bad threesome experience? Wait—have you had any threesome experiences?”

“Of course I have!” says Tahani, “Multiple times. Obviously. Because it was just so great!” She laughs theatrically.

Eleanor shakes her head. “Nuh uh. Not buying it. You name dropped zero celebrities in that story.”

“Fine. How does one even go about making something like that happen?”

“You’ve never broken up with your boyfriend because you thought he was cheating on you with a hot barista, and then texted the barista a picture of your boobs because she looked even smaller than you and you wanted to make her insecure, but instead found yourself being propositioned by her and her boyfriend? And then found out your ex wasn’t sleeping with her after all? And then stole one of her bras afterwards because it turned out you were actually the exact same cup size? Just. As an example.”

“I can’t say I have,” says Tahani, taking an overly-dainty bite of a pain au chocolat.

Eleanor grins and pokes Tahani’s arm. “But now you’re thinking about it, aren’t you? That’s OK, take your time.”

* * *

**3: Attempt # 375**

“Sorry I’m late, guys,” says Jason, “I was seeing if I could eat an entire one of those giant fudge cubes, and I could! It was amazing.” His mouth is ringed in chocolate.

“I know, right?” says Eleanor as he sits beside her on the bench. Tahani is sitting on her other side, and Chidi is pacing back and forth behind them. “I ate so much, if I were on a crowded bus I could have pretended to be pregnant so someone would give up their seat.”

“I can’t believe you two!” says Tahani. “The fudge is a harbinger of doom, not a snack!”

“I’m afraid Tahani is mostly correct, although ‘doom’ isn’t quite the word I would choose” says Michael, who is standing in front of them, beside a cube of fudge that is slightly taller than he is. “The fudge appears right before a Lie Quake. Too many lies have been told here since the neighbourhood’s inception, enough to threaten the fabric of reality here in the Good Place, so the fudge—kind of my little joke, you know, like when you ‘fudge the facts’?—is letting us know that soon we’ll have a deception-triggered earthquake.”

“Wait,” says Chidi, “ _Your_ little joke? You designed this fudge-earthquake arrangement?”

“Well, every neighbourhood in the Good Place runs the risk of tectonic shifts due to lying. It’s just a rare occurrence, because people in the Good Place rarely lie. Oh, I can’t believe this is happening in my first neighbourhood! But I added the fudge-based warning system. I thought it would give the disaster a certain whimsy, in the rare event that such a thing occurred.”

“Well, is there any way to stop it?” says Tahani.

“Only one,” says Michael.

Everyone stares at him.

“Oh!” says Michael, “You want me to tell you what it is. Well, the environment needs some truth put back into it to counter the dishonesty. So, I called you all here because I suspect some of you” here he eyes Eleanor and Jason, “may have been the source of this dishonestly, what with being put here by mistake and messing everything up, and I thought you could all throw some deep, powerful secrets out there to make up for it! Preferably things you’ve never told anyone ever, and that have intense personal significance to you! You know, no biggie! If you really bare your souls, we might just be able to avoid this.”

“Oh! I got this! I have so many weird secrets!” says Jason. “Like, I don’t know what tampons are! What do they do? What’s all that blue stuff they need to soak up, and why can’t people just wipe it up with a paper towel?”

“Oh my god,” says Tahani, burying her face in her hands.

“Wait,” says Eleanor, pointing at Michael, “Either you’ve just shrunk or that fudge has gotten bigger.”

“Oh no!” says Michael, “It has! The quake is getting closer! Looks like we need some bigger secrets!”

“OK,” says Tahani. “Since this is for the greater good and I’m a selfless person...one time, I leaked a picture of me on Leonardo diCaprio's private beach to the paparazzi, and they identified me as a “Kamilah look-alike” instead of by name.”

The fudge cube gets a little smaller, but the ground begins to tremble slightly.

Chidi jumps at the slight tremor, and says, “I once told my first grade teacher I never lied but really that in itself was a lie because just that morning I had told my father it was OK that he forgot to wash my school uniform the night before even though it actually made me feel self-conscious in front of my peers!”

The fudge cube stays the same size, although the ground is still once again.

“The fudge isn’t shrinking fast enough,” says Michael. “Any way you can up the ante here?”

“Oh!” says Jason, “I know one! I’m not actually Jianyu the monk! I’m Jason Mendoza, and I’m a pre-successful DJ from Florida!”

Amidst a chorus of “We know”s, Eleanor seems to make up her mind about something. “Fork it. OK. The only time I ever dated a girl, I broke things off because her mom was dying of breast cancer and I got tired of driving her to the hospital, but I told her it was because she was so bad in bed she had never made me come. Even though one time she made me come thirteen times in a row.”

The fudge cube shrinks noticeably, until it’s barely reaching the level of Michael’s elbow. They all breathe a sigh of relief, until another tremor hits, knocking down several potted plants nearby.

“Ahhh!” screams Chidi. “Ahhh! I think I love Eleanor, but I also think I love Tahani, and I keep imagining all three of us together even though I know it would never happen!”

Silence. Eleanor, Tahani, and Chidi stare at each other. Finally, Eleanor opens her mouth, grinning, but before she can speak, the ground shakes with the largest tremor yet, and the ground splits open, cracking the bench in half, and leaving each person on their own strip of grass and sidewalk, separated from the others by deep fissures. Whatever Eleanor was going to say is swallowed up by the groans of the splitting earth.

“Looks like this isn’t working!” says Michael. “Time for Plan B: run!”

* * *

**4: Attempt # 529**

“I know this doesn’t forgive my lapse in ethics,” says Chidi, wringing his hands, “but I only kissed Tahani because you were trapped under that avalanche for so long we all thought you’d been taken to the Bad Place.”

“And Eleanor,” says Tahani, playing nervously with her flowered hat, “I only kissed you because you convinced that giant preying mantis to let us help with his apple harvest in exchange for us all staying in the Good Place, and I was simply overcome with emotion at your surprising amount of foolish bravery.”

Eleanor shrugs. “So? I kissed you back. And I’ve kissed Chidi a bunch. Maybe we could just...make this a thing?”

Chidi frowns. “Make...what a thing? Tortured confessions of infidelity? No, I’d prefer to just not do this again.”

“No! What I’m saying is, we’ve all already been with each other, in pairs. So why not…?” Eleanor mashes her intertwined fingers together and raises her eyebrows.

Chidi’s frown deepens. “Why not play that children’s playground game about the church and the steeple?”

“Oh, you mean—” Tahani laughs nervously. “A threesome! How daring! Not that daring, of course, actually, because I’ve done it before, on several occasions.”

Chidi’s eyes widen. “OK, well, if everyone else is serious, I think we should start by making a list of everything we need to talk about to make this decision, just to make sure we’re doing our best to ensure a pleasurable time for all.”

“Well, we do have lots of time to talk,” Tahani points out. “Michael said it would be at least three weeks before the quarantine is lifted and we can leave this abandoned mine shaft.”

“Wait a minute,” says Eleanor. “Quarantine? Abandoned mine shaft? Guys. I never thought it I’d say this, but the threesome can wait. We’ve got something more important to deal with. This is the Bad Place!”

* * *

**5: Attempt # 607**

“OK. OK. We’re really doing this. OK.” Chidi checks that the curtains are closed for the third time, then sits gingerly on the edge of Eleanor’s bed. On the bed, Eleanor and Tahani are kissing. Tahani’s hands are tentative but steady on Eleanor’s waist, but Eleanor’s hands have begun to roam, cupping Tahani’s breasts over her rhinestone-encrusted dress.

“Seriously, Chidi, come over here,” says Eleanor, breaking off the kiss for a moment to grab him by the wrist and pull him further onto the bed. She pulls him in for a kiss, then mashes Chidi and Tahani’s faces together until they have no choice but to kiss as well.

“Not to ruin the moment,” says Tahani, “but do we need, you know, protection?”

“Oh no,” says Chidi, wiping his sweaty hands on his pants, “I didn’t think of that. Why didn’t I think of that?.”

“Janet!” says Eleanor.

“Hi there!” says Janet, standing just beside the bed.

“Can people get pregnant here? Or get STIs?” asks Eleanor.

“No!” says Janet cheerfully. “That’s impossible because you are all dead. Want a tissue?” She pulls out a box of tissues from behind her back.

“Why would we want tissues?” asks Chidi.

“Some people are sad to learn they will no longer be able to have biological offspring in the Good Place. Even though it wouldn’t make any sense because they are literally dead. Standard protocol is to offer everyone who asks a tissue and a small pet animal.” With her other hand, Janet holds out an iguana on a leash.

Eleanor wrinkles her nose. “Ew. No. We definitely don’t want kids.”

Janet smiles. “That is good because it definitely won’t happen. If you are about to have sexual intercourse, is there anything else you need?”

“No, we’re good,” says Eleanor, waving her hands, and Janet disappears.

“Actually,” says Tahani, “if it’s not too much trouble, and if we’re, well, if we’re really about to do this, I’d rather like some sensual lubricant.”

Eleanor snorts. “Don’t know how ‘sensual’ it is, but I’ve got a couple kinds in the bottom drawer over there. She points to several drawers set into the wall of her bedroom, each featuring two small molded clown heads in place of knobs.

“I’ll get it!” says Chidi, jumping up, clearly glad to have something to do.

“So,” says Eleanor, turning back to Tahani, “you like things sensual, huh? How’s this for sensual?”

But whatever Eleanor is about to do is cut off by Chidi thrusting a moulding loaf of bread in Eleanor’s face. “What is this?” he asks.

“That was not in the bottom drawer!” says Eleanor. “That was in the top drawer, clearly not where I told you the lube was!”

“Yes,” says Chidi, “but why do you have a drawer full of actual garbage?”

“Garbage?” says Tahani, getting up to go look.

Eleanor turns to face Chidi. “I don’t have to justify—fine. You told me to take out the garbage but it was raining so I put it here instead. Is that such a big deal? I mean, why does it even rain in the Good Place?”

Chidi throws up his hands. “It’s just gross! And inconsiderate.”

“Whatever, we’ll throw it out later. After the sex. Come on.” Eleanor lies down on her side, patting the bed. Chidi sighs, and sits back down, allowing Eleanor to pull him in for another kiss.

“Not so fast!” says Tahani. “What is this?” She holds out a pearl necklace, a brown banana peel hanging off it and swaying slightly as Tahani shakes with anger. “Is this my necklace?”

“It’s...yes, OK, it’s your necklace. But why does it matter? You can get another necklace like _that_.” Eleanor snaps her fingers.

“It’s the part where you stole my necklace!” screams Tahani. “That’s the part that matters! Why would you do something like that? I thought we were—” she gestures vaguely at the bedroom scene in progress with one hand.

Eleanor shrugs defensively. “I was mad at you, OK? At that party you held, where you sat me with that girl who keeps hosting karaoke nights and then not letting anyone else sing, just because you didn’t want to deal with her. So I went to your third second-floor bathroom, and I planned to just snoop through your medicine cabinet and mock whatever was in it, but then I found this necklace, which was like, why did you have it in the medicine cabinet anyway? So I took it. I meant to give it back! I just forgot it was there when I poured the garbage on top.”

Tahani throws the necklace, banana peel and all, into Eleanor’s lap. “I can’t believe I wanted to have sex with you! Never again!” She storms the three steps it takes to get to the ledge, then awkwardly sits down to get to ground level. Then, she storms out of the house, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

**\+ 1: Attempt # 733**

“Guys, come on,” says Eleanor, pulling off her shirt. “Michael could be back at any moment to wipe our memories. Why don’t we just fork one more time, for old times’ sake?”

“Because, as you just said, _Michael could be back at any moment,_ ” says Chidi.

“So? I’m sure he’s seen us do all kinds of weird stuff in all these different reboots,” says Eleanor. “And if we shock him, all the better! He’s trying to torture us for eternity, apparently, the least he deserves is the three-people irl version of an unsolicited dick pic.”

“You know what? Yes!” says Tahani, slipping out of her dress to reveal a matching emerald green bra and panty set. “This is just like the time I went skinny dipping with—” Eleanor cuts off the rest of the story with a kiss.

“I suppose all we can do under the circumstances is to take what little pleasure we can from the situation at hand,” says Chidi, beginning to unbutton his shirt. “Although, what if we don’t all have time to satisfy each other? Will we start our next afterlife over with unbalanced cosmic scales?”

“If we do, it’ll be your fault for taking so long to get undressed,” says Eleanor. She grips the front of his shirt and rips it open, sending buttons flying to all corners of Tahani’s summer parlor. She undoes his belt with a similar lack of ceremony, then leaves him to remove the rest of his clothes, pushing Tahani down on one of the room’s five couches and spreading Tahani’s legs to kneel between them. “I’ll eat Tahani out, you fork me from behind! And for once, I don’t care, you can keep your socks on!”

Pushing Tahani’s panties to one side, she buries her face between Tahani’s legs. After a minute, she pulls back. “Chidi! Just stick it in, come on man,” she says, lifting her ass up further in the air. “This is like a quickie in a funeral home bathroom. Only not so quiet. Or it’s, I don’t know, imagine you’re reading a really great book and you have to give it back to the library tomorrow!”

Five minutes later, Michael bursts into the room, just as Chidi comes with a long, drawn-out moan. Tahani is already writhing under Eleanor’s touch, two orgasms down and almost at a third. Eleanor groans, frustrated and as of yet unsatisfied, her hand and Chidi’s both working frantically between her legs.

“What is—well,” says Michael. “This reboot has been especially interesting. Too bad you figured it out, this triad situation just had so many possibilities, and this is the only version of things where it ever really happened. Oh well.”

“Wait!” screams Eleanor, her movements desperate and erratic. “Just—give me one more minute, come on—”

Michael shakes his head and snaps his fingers, and everything fades to black.


End file.
